That's the last time I remember laughing in class with my students without fear. Since that time laughter has scared me. It was the first terrifying step of seeing my classroom management spiral out of control. So I left laughter behind.
November and December were tough months for me in the classroom. I began to feel so much pressure to conform my teaching style to match other teachers. I felt inadequate when I saw my student scores and felt so much negativity from my students in class. I wasn't myself. I was angry and short-tempered, I was melancholy and had even begun to expect the worst from my kids. For example, my mentor encouraged me to use learning stations in my classroom to help my students review for a test. Almost instantly, I mentally shot down the idea because I knew "my kids couldn't handle" moving in class. Thankfully, 4 of my 5 classes proved me wrong, but I still didn't like the negative yelling person I had become.
Over break I did a lot of soul searching and praying. What a big surprise, the same weaknesses I had in the classroom this summer had manifested themselves in the fall. I was standing at the front of my classroom as a phony and my students could see it. I'm a bounce around the classroom, stand on chairs, and make stupid faces kind of teacher. I was trying too hard to be no-nonsense and no noise.
Armed with a new plan (involving a character trait of the week) and refreshed from break I began to tackle a new year. Today I laughed freely with my students. We were sharing our fears, and the more ridiculous answers involved a round of raucous laughter. After a few seconds I shot out my teacher stare, and that was all I had to do. We were back on task and ready to learn. It's amazing how my students respond respectfully when I am genuine with them.
So here's to a new year full of laughter. Silent classrooms are overrated.
'till the cows come home,
Ellie
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