I've been married for 365 days. I could lie and say that it has been a fairytale full of perfectly romantic love and laughter. It's been more like the 36 mile hike we took 8 months into our dating relationship: breath taking, hilarious, sweaty, painful, and strengthening. I could wax on and on about how much I've learned and pass on sage wisdom. However I don't really think 1 year gives me any sort of right to give sage wisdom, and I'd rather share something I feel is much more relevant to my experience.
"It's about the marriage, not the wedding." I heard this so very often as I was planning my wedding. It was often followed with some sort particular piece of advice about how the stay married for the long term. This often came from women I admired, so I took each and every piece of advice to heart. I committed it to the picture of who I needed to be and what we needed to do together to have a great marriage...with disastrous results.
Rome, Naples, and Venice all received their own souvenirs from this girl. I left tears in each Italian hotel room we visited on our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong, the trip was fun and fabulous, but I had created all these expectations and requirements for my relationship with my husband without actually talking to him about it. So imagine his confusion when my outbursts and fears of failure reared their ugly heads.
It took me months to realize that all the well-meaning pieces of advice were just that, advice. My marriage wasn't doomed for failure simply because I couldn't possibly live up to every action required when combining all the advice I received as a life plan. Most importantly I realized that my marriage was about my husband, my Lord, and me. Because we are our own individuals, we won't do everything our friends and family suggest. It won't all fit, and some advice because of our personalities would do far more harm than good.
There is one source of advice that has never failed me. It my half of our wedding sermon and founded in Ephesians 5.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
It might sound scandalous or old fashioned to submit, but submission is not synonymous with "obedience". Submission means I trust my husband and my Lord to lead me. I certainly give my input, opinion, and desires. I do not simply sit quietly by as decisions are made. I do however respect my husband's role as the leader of the house and do not undermine him. This is the only advice I am attempting imperfectly to follow.
So to those of you married or single seeking to give advice to those newly engaged or newly married, please stop. Please give all the well-wishes and encouragement. If you are sought out, give counsel. And most importantly pray.
