Home for the Holidays

Christmas is my favorite time of year. The snow, the music, the cookies, they all fill my heart with peace and happiness. For the past four years, the holidays have brought the new stress that comes from living 2,000 miles from Nebraska. With some trial and error, I have found 5 vital things that make the holidays happy.

1. Plan Ahead: This is the most vital part of our holidays, and it's not just about making plans. My husband and I budget each month for travel and gifts during the holidays. It may seem silly to set aside $15 a month for family Christmas gifts, but it pays off to not have to rely on holiday bonuses or squeeze it from somewhere else. The same goes for travel (via car or plane).

We also make our plans in September. Making these plans long before the holiday season helps us be practical about our decisions and also gives our families a lot of time to plan.

2. Decide what you (and your spouse) want/need first: One of the most difficult parts of the holiday is hearing someone you love talk about how excited they are to see you for the holidays. However, what's worse is getting caught up in their excitement at the expense of your own family.

For example, Alex knew taking his new job that he wouldn't be able to take any time off in December. This meant that Christmas in Nebraska wouldn't be possible (with our priority of spending the holiday together). We had a great "Christmas" in Saint Louis with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday and it was a fun way to kick off the season. My mom did a great job of respecting our needs, and planned a great get-together with plenty of traditions and fun.

3. Communicate your expectations: With changes like moving and marriage, you cannot assume that your holidays will stay exactly the same, so help out your family by communicating what your expectations are. It can be as simple as what kind of cookies you want to bake or as complicated as celebrating on a different day (like this year's Christmas at Thanksgiving). Tell your family things you need (ie what time you need to leave the celebration) or things you want (ie I really wanted to learn how to make some of my mom's recipes) before the actual holiday time starts.

4. Be Flexible: This one goes with the above. It can be dangerous to have TOO many expectations. I try to pick 1-2 things that are important, (For example: I wanted to bake with my mom and spend time with my friends), and let the rest be flexible. This certainly extends to your in-laws. Let yourself be open to new traditions and experiences, and for heaven's sake, don't compare!

5. Stay in the moment: My first holiday away from home (Thanksgiving last year) I kept getting caught up in how things were different. I was lost in my own head reminiscing and I began to feel homesick. Until my sweet mother-in-law took me for a Starbucks run and a great conversation. I realized that I was missing out on new great memories by focusing on how much I missed my own. Some of the best ways to stay in the moment involve activities. Don't let yourself just sit around, make yourself play a new game or participate in a new hobby. The laughter and fun will help you grow closer to the family you're with. Toss the pressure off yourself and others and simply celebrate. After all, the Shepherds probably didn't have the perfect outfits and Mary certainly didn't feed those guests with any sort of gusto :)

So Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas!
'till the cows come home,
Ellie

Please STOP giving marriage advice

I've been married for 365 days. I could lie and say that it has been a fairytale full of perfectly romantic love and laughter. It's been more like the 36 mile hike we took 8 months into our dating relationship: breath taking, hilarious, sweaty, painful, and strengthening. I could wax on and on about how much I've learned and pass on sage wisdom. However I don't really think 1 year gives me any sort of right to give sage wisdom, and I'd rather share something I feel is much more relevant to my experience.

"It's about the marriage, not the wedding." I heard this so very often as I was planning my wedding. It was often followed with some sort particular piece of advice about how the stay married for the long term. This often came from women I admired, so I took each and every piece of advice to heart. I committed it to the picture of who I needed to be and what we needed to do together to have a great marriage...with disastrous results.

Rome, Naples, and Venice all received their own souvenirs from this girl. I left tears in each Italian hotel room we visited on our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong, the trip was fun and fabulous, but I had created all these expectations and requirements for my relationship with my husband without actually talking to him about it. So imagine his confusion when my outbursts and fears of failure reared their ugly heads.

It took me months to realize that all the well-meaning pieces of advice were just that, advice. My marriage wasn't doomed for failure simply because I couldn't possibly live up to every action required when combining all the advice I received as a life plan. Most importantly I realized that my marriage was about my husband, my Lord, and me. Because we are our own individuals, we won't do everything our friends and family suggest. It won't all fit, and some advice because of our personalities would do far more harm than good.

There is one source of advice that has never failed me. It my half of our wedding sermon and founded in Ephesians 5.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 

It might sound scandalous or old fashioned to submit, but submission is not synonymous with "obedience". Submission means I trust my husband and my Lord to lead me. I certainly give my input, opinion, and desires. I do not simply sit quietly by as decisions are made. I do however respect my husband's role as the leader of the house and do not undermine him. This is the only advice I am attempting imperfectly to follow.

So to those of you married or single seeking to give advice to those newly engaged or newly married, please stop. Please give all the well-wishes and encouragement. If you are sought out, give counsel. And most importantly pray.